David Cameron has hit out against the Government today, after a full day in Iraq and Afghanistan without a fatal attack on a member of the Armed Forces

"The fact that no British Soldiers have been killed in the last twenty four hours is clear evidence of overstretch." He told our reporter. "Blair and his minions have committed our troops overseas and he hasn't even had the decency to make sure they would be used effectively. As it stands now we have soldiers who are simply not getting shot at. It's a terrible waste of tax payers' money."

"Now, the Falkland Islands. That was a conflict worth having. Remember those Marines with the Union Flag on their radio controlled ruck sacks? Colonel H Jones? God, that made you proud to be British. Goose Green? Juno Beach? Pegasus Bridge? Body parts flying all over the place! Those were the days."

But speaking from his Hawaii office, the minister for Overstretch, Peter Mandelson, was in no mood for political posturing. "How could they do it?" he wailed. "Gordon's a twat! And he smells bad. Just you wait and see. they'll all be sorry when Tony's gone!"

When pressed on the overstretch issue, Mandelson was resolute. "Rest assured, we have plans in place that will see a healthy churn rate of UK forces over the next twelve months. Our rolling deployment and burial programme ensures plenty of promotion prospects for our brave boys and girls who are thinking of joining in the future, and there should be no shortage of kit like there was before we were able to streamline our footprint in this way."

"Naturally, we were expecting to make certain cuts over the next couple of years anyway. These attrition figures make up our natural wastage rates and thus safeguard our troops from the threat of redundancy. The word from the barracks is that all our soldiers are very happy with the current situation. Except that they've all told me that they don't trust Gordon Brown. Every one of them. Last night. I haven't had a wink of sleep. "Don't let the nasty man take over" they told me. All night! I haven't slept a wink! Did I mention he gave me a Chinese Burn, once? Just because I forgot his foot stool?"

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