Minister for Fertility, Peter Mandelson, has hit out at "Ugly fat chicks." who are applying for IVF treatment.

"I mean", he told our correspondent whilst attempting to feed a used dry-cleaning ticket into the coin slot of our liberated drinks machine. "It's such a waste of money, isn't it? You can make them as fertile as a West Country orchard, but if they don't make the slightest effort to make themselves presentable, nobody's ever going to want to fuck 'em."

Mr Mandelson denied that he was drunk. "Only had a couple." He said. "I'm not a poof, you know."

Various women's rights groups have reacted furiously to his comments. In a statement released thirteen seconds ago, the League of Fat Wimmin said, "That Mandelson's a right wanker. Just coz 'e looks like a tooth-pick what's been dipped in oven grease doesn't mean he's got ter start pickin' on us. We need ter 'ave plenty o' kids so we can claim off the social. What does 'e want us ter do? Get JOBS or somethin'?"

Mandelson remained unrepentant. "It's just common sense. There's no point in spending money to create fertility in a woman who can only get serviced by a chap who's so far gone that he can't even get it up. Honest. I'm not pissed. Come on, I'll have you an arm wrestle."

He went on to deny that he had an anti-feminist agenda. "No I love women, me." He announced. "I mean. That Caroline Flint. Have you seen her lately? Look, do you think if she found out I liked her she might be up for it? Could you put in a word for me?"

Related:

• Call for fertility ban for obese