There have been dramatic scenes at the World Food Programme's head office in Rome today, as celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey added his weight to the objections laid out by the Burmese Junta.

As planes finally began to unload their cargo at Myanmar Airport, Ramsey was seen wielding a baseball bat and demanding that the food be sent back to its country of origin...

”This food hasn't been grown locally” Ramsey declared, furiously smashing open crates of high energy biscuits. “The WFP should be shot! What these people need is good, healthy seasonal vegetables. I wouldn't be seen dead serving this processed shit in my restaurants.”

Several thousand onlookers were not so picky, however, and were seen dead before the food had even made it into the country.

Having acquired control of Burma in a recent land grab, Tesco's Terry Leahy admitted that refusing the shipment of food was the right thing to do. “Much of the food we have received is substandard. There are even rumours of blemishes on the carrots and some of the potatoes have black bits which will need to be cut off. It's just entirely unacceptable.”

Prime Minister Gordon brown had been spending the week in a remote Scottish island building a gigantic wicker replica of Wendy Alexander, but took time out from packing the kindling to speak to reporters on the matter.

”Obviously there is a great deal of suffering happening in Burma, but I think what we should all remember is the the importance of not upsetting the Burmese generals at this time.” He said.

”I know that some people have suggested that we force aid into the country using our military capabilities, but that simply will not work. Our armed forces are not intended to be used for the benefit of mankind and investing that much of our nation's taxes into saving lives would simply be unthinkable. We can only intervene with military force when there is a significant risk to oil, and right now we are pretty sure that this is not the case."

The military dictatorship has been urging its citizens to ignore the recent fatalities and take part in a national referendum which is expected to result in an intimation of legitimacy for the generals. Although there have been indications that some observers are concerned about the validity and transparency of the poll, the official statement released yesterday is expected to allay the fears of critics:

”We realise that there is a degree of concern over the integrity of our voting system, but please be aware that this poll is being conducted by the internationally respected organisation, ITV. As soon as the results are in, Ant and Dec will be on hand to congratulate the winners, and Graham Norton will present the nuclear launch codes."

Okay, I'll stop now.