After losing the identities of millions of Child Benefit recipients, details of the sexual preferences of trainee doctors, and the banking details of just about every learner driver in the country, the government is facing its most embarrassing episode yet, after it became clear that the Official Olympic Torch has been misplaced.

Speaking on behalf of the British Population, Gordon Brown said “I'm really, really sorry. We think it's still in Terminal Five at Heathrow, so maybe it will turn up in a few weeks.”

Chinese President Hu Jintao was not convinced, and replied “Do you want to bet?”

And Gordon Brown, never particularly sharp of hearing, said. “No thanks. You're doing a good enough job of fucking that one up for yourselves.” Which didn't go down very well.

The loss of the symbol of International Peace and Cooperation sparked a major investigation this afternoon, as all BA and BAA staff were directed to search the baggage mountain at any cost. Although the torch was not recovered, they did manage to find three prisoners of the CIA who had been arrested in Saudi Arabia for refusing to drink Coca Cola.

The three men had been loaded in a crate as part of an extraordinary rendition flight to Havana and had not eaten in six months. They were offered complimentary drinks and advised that they would be sent for torture as soon as a USAF jet could be arranged to continue their transit.

The search continued for most of the day, but so far nobody has been able to retrieve Gordon Brown's credibility

Related:

• BBC News: Envoy 'will carry Olympic torch'

Related:

• BBC News: 28,000 bags caught in T5 foul-up