Parents of missing teenager Kylie Biscuit have been informed by South Yorkshire Police that her daughter is not photogenic enough to make the Six O’Clock News.

“While we have the deepest sympathy for Mister Barrel and Miss Biscuit, we have advised them that they are just too working class to be of sufficient interest to the national channels. The best they can hope for at this time is a slot on the local news round up.”

Experts have been flown in from London to see what they can do to help. “We’re doing everything we can to make Kylie and her parents more attractive.” Said Gena Tankwhore, image consultant to Calvin Klein, “But there’s only so much we can do now that their faces are in the public domain. I mean; have you seen her mom? Here is a woman with skin like a raw turkey and a figure that would scare any rational person off their fries. If she doesn’t look good in a tiny cotton top, we just can’t expect the public to get behind her in the way they did with Kate McCann.

“We’ve done what we can in the short term. We’ve lasered out the tattoos from her shoulders and persuaded her to reduce the size of her earrings, but there is still a long way to go. Our next priority is to get her to cover her tummy and learn to walk without the use of a cigarette. These might seem like unclimbable mountains but it will be worth it if we can sell the story to the USA.”

Kylie went missing six weeks ago, when she failed to come home after spending the night drinking White Lightening with friends outside the local Alldays store. She failed to attend the next four days of school without attracting any undue attention, but when she did not return home by Saturday night her family became worried, as it was the X factor final and she would never normally have missed it.

Kylie’s poster has been distributed widely, but the family has been disappointed by the number of companies which are allowing her likeness to be displayed on their premises. In a joint statement issued by Tesco, Sainsburys and Morrisons, the supermarkets announced that posting her pictures of the missing child at their stores would lead to “A noticeable drop in cake sales”.

In related news, David Beckham announced that he would be unavailable to produce a video asking for Kylie's safe return. "Missing kids was like, last year." He told reporters. "We're doing terminally ill kids just now."

Anyone with any information on how the case can be glamourised should contact crimestoppers as soon as possible.