Outraged Star Trek fans from all across the world have converged on the Dorset village of Little Fraction to condemn what they regard as an insult to everything which is decent. The controversy centres on a play by Armando Hammer, a writer who says that his intention was not to shock.

“I feel it’s important to explore the different aspects of James T Kirk’s personality and accept that he may well have had these feelings for members of his crew. They were in space for five years, and we only saw about sixty hours worth of episodes. By my calculations that leaves almost forty four thousand hours unaccounted for. Who knows what might have gone on while the cameras were off?”

The play, which features a love triangle between Kirk, Sulu and Bones, becomes further complicated after the arrival of a young Chekov. Much of the action takes place in the steam room of the USS Enterprise. “Kirk was a vibrant character who attracted those around him through his dynamic personality.” Hammer told our reporter. “It’s only reasonable to expect that an impressionable young Russian sailor would fall instantly in love with him.”

Star Trek devotees from as far away as the USA, Japan and Australia converged on the village hall in which the play was being staged. “It aint right.” Said Dwain D Swamp of Texas. “James Tiberius Kirk was no faggot. His uniform was yellow, not pink. That man carries the hopes of the free world on his shoulders as we take to the stars and it’s just plain insulting to suggest that he’s a sick pervert with the morals of a ba-boon.”

Riot police were called in as death threats were issued against the players by several born-again Klingons. “They have no honour.” Said Australian Kailif Batleth (who had officially changed his name from Norbert Smith twelve years ago.) “We can accept that Kirk had a woman on every port. We even tolerated it when he was filmed kissing that black woman… And that green woman, come to that. Maybe he was colour blind. I don’t know. But this is the man who represents humanity in first contact situations. It is a great insult to imply that the man who would speak on behalf of our planet earth might have poo on his old man.

“I haven’t actually seen the play, but I have sworn a blood oath to challenge anyone who enters the theatre to single combat. As is the way in our culture Kirk was the Hero of Khitomer. And we will never allow his sacred reputation to be questioned”

However, Hammer remained unrepentant. “I’ve actually had someone threatening to phaser me this afternoon. I can’t believe they’ve missed the point so badly. James Kirk was not a filthy pervert. He was a decent man who just happened to enjoy the company of other men. And women. And aliens. I mean, is that so different from the rest of us?”

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