Hysterical locals in a small village near the famous mist-shrouded Pendle Hill in Lancashire, England took drastic steps yesterday evening to right what they regarded to be an intolerable wrong. Seventy Six year old Edith Clampton (Mrs) was cruelly, viciously and uncompromisingly murdered on an otherwise picturesque rural village green in an utterly horrifying and bizarre medieval-style ritual execution at the hands of an angry mob.

The crime? Mrs Clampton wasn't popular in the village (which cannot be named for legal reasons) due to her hooked nose and hairy facial wart. But naming her brand new pedigree Persian kitten "Jesus" was just one step too far for her pious neighbours. Shouts of "Blasphemy!" were soon being bellowed around and about.

Leading the investigation Detective Chief Inspector Roger Rumphold told Arktopus reporters that Edith, a reclusive spinster by all accounts, was subject to a trial the likes of which had not occurred in the area for many hundreds of years. After being pronounced a witch and surviving the ducking stool custom-built and operated by furious residents on the banks of the River Ribble, she was dragged atop a pyre, lashed to a pole and burnt alive while locals jeered and cavorted below.

Police forensic experts continue to investigate in the area while the deceased's cat, thoughtfully renamed "Kevin", is under the protection of the RSPCA in a nearby town.

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