In a shocking exclusive, the Arktopus can reveal that the nation’s top secret nuclear missile launch codes have been lost.

"They were here a moment ago." Gordon Brown told Defence Chiefs...

Our Downing Street source described the scene some time ago - "So far they’ve looked under the sofa cushions and checked the laundry. The PM is trying to remember where he was when he last saw them. Apparently he thinks he may have seen them yesterday lunchtime, but he can’t remember what he did with them after he went shopping. Our top security team is currently looking through the Staff Car's glove box."

The codes are held in large plastic cases which are designed to be cracked open in a time of extreme crisis. It is a little known fact that they were fitted with a whistling keyfob during the Major Administration. However, the battery is now believed to be dead and the failsafe device is no longer working.

"We are pretty sure these codes won’t have fallen into the wrong hands." Said Minister for Defence Des Browne. "Our cleaner, Saddam Binladen assured us that nobody suspicious had been seen in the house over the last few days. As a contingency we have asked foreign governments to monitor their airspace for incoming intercontinental vehicles and let us know if they spot anything out of the ordinary."

"Ultimately it’s just a matter of asking the defence organizations around the world to be a little more vigilant than usual. The threat is minimal, of course, as we don't have that many missiles these days. Obviously we’ll have some more codes made up over the next few weeks and everything should get back to normal."

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