An elite medical research team has announced today that being pregnant increases your chances of giving birth by as much as seventy percent.

In studies which cost the tax payer a mere eighteen billion pounds, students from University College University revealed their findings to shocked reporters. Many of whom needed medical assistance to help them cope with the trauma of sharing a room with such brilliance.

Not content with these startling revelations, the medical researchers also announced the results of several further investigations which had taken place for a mere twelve million pounds each which were conducted during the first half of last week.

“It seems that men and women who work harder at school and get better grades have children which tend to be financially better off.” Doctor Labrador Basset announced. “And also, babies born to parents that are more interested in watching daytime television than parenting tend not to do as well in later life.”

These alarming facts come just days after the same team announced their findings that the children of crack addicts tend to do less well at cross country running.

Related:

• Telegraph - Alcoholic parents get naughty kids

• BBC News - Breastfed babies are more intelligent