Are you an android? Feed the ducks and find out.

Not the brightest creatures, ducks.

Maybe that’s a bit unfair. It could be that ducks are pretty smart, and that the only reason I’m so duckist is that I haven’t taken the time to get to know them. Fine. Then it’s my loss and I’ll learn to live with it. In the meantime I’m happy with my prejudiced opinion that ducks aint exactly what you’d call intellectually stimulating...

But yesterday, just while I was killing a bit of time with the kids before handing them back to the ex, we were out walking around the local wildlife reserve with a half loaf of bread, and it really made me think.

I’ve come to the conclusion that ducks are the living, waddling, quacking equivalent of the Voigt Kompf Test. (For those of you who haven’t seen Blade Runner, this was a series of emotionally probing questions designed to determine whether a subject could feel empathy or not. According to the story, it was the only reliable way of telling if somebody was a person or an android.)

So… The Voigt Quack Test:

1) Start with three slices of bread, and throw a few tiny crumbs in the water until word has got around the lake (Or pond, or canal) that there’s food about.

2) Continue to throw small bits of bread. We’re talking small here, okay? Make it last. Don’t just chuck the whole loaf at them. After a while, with any luck, the ducks, geese, coots, moorhens, etc will start to get quite competitive.

3) Continue to throw the little bits of bread. But here’s the rub: You have to make an effort not to get involved in which bird gets the crumbs.

4) So, if you see a big duck bullying a small duck, you have to resist the temptation to throw another piece to the small duck.

5) If you find yourself feeling sorry for a weedy looking specimen at the back, you have to detach yourself from the urge to throw a few extra pieces in its direction.

6) Continue until the bread is all gone. Under no circumstances must you allow yourself to talk to the ducks. You are prohibited from telling them off. You are not allowed to give them names.

7) After the bread has gone, stand still and watch how quickly they lose interest without feeling hurt or rejected. about it.

Please report back any findings or conclusions you might have after performing this philosophical experiment. I think the results may show quacks in your personality you didn’t expect. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you find it impossible not to build up some sort of relationship with them. Although whether this says more about ducks or us is anybody’s guess