|
In a scoop of Titanic proportions, The Arktopus is proud to present exclusive extracts from David Blunkett's new book "Zen and the Art of Being a Twat".
Chapter six - Know Thy Self
I've seen many a well paid government job blown just because some daft sod didn't know how to keep it together. Hopefully, after completing this simple questionnaire you'll have a much better understanding of how to handle stressful situations like a natural born Home Secretary.
Question 1:
Your Guide Dog accidentally knocks over your waste paper basket and some of the screwed-up, unread asylum requests inside it fall out onto the floor. Do you:
- A- Chuckle at the dog and give him a chocolate drop before asking your secretary to clear up the mess
- B- Consider leaving the dog in the hallway, or simply training him to keep well away from the bin
- C- Order the fucking mutt to be thrown into a meat grinder after his clumsy fucking claws have been removed with pliers
Question 2:
You accidentally forgot your Mother's Birthday. It is only one day after the event. Do you:
- A-Get your chauffeur to drive you up to her house and pick up a bunch of flowers on the way
- B- Ask your secretary to send flowers up, but take the time to phone and apologise and make sure she's ok
- C- Call in the Army to wipe your mother's house of the map with Hellfire missiles and torch the whole village just in case somebody talks to the press about your unfortunate lapse of concentration
Question 3:
Whilst on a departmental visit to a Bristol brewery, you overhear the local MP for that region telling somebody that West Country beer is the finest in the land. Do you:
- A- Smile to yourself quietly, assured by the knowledge that you are from Yorkshire and know a thing or two about decent beer
- B- Make a point of visiting Masham when you next have some press time owing to put the record straight
- C- Smash your glass on the nearest reporter's head and slice the MPs jugular with the shards, before arresting the whole brewery indefinitely under the Prevention of Terrorism Act
Question 4:
A satirical playwright pens a TV play about your recent affairs with all six of your personal secretaries. Do you:
- A- Laugh it off. It's only going to be aired on More4 so no bugger's ever going to see it
- B- Watch it and enjoy the fact that you're being made out to be a complete stud-muffin in front of all your mates and make the most of the extra Man Points when you're chatting up Caroline Flint at the next staff party
- C- Sign his death warrant during the first commercial break. While you're at it, order your personal troops to round up his family and have them peeled and rolled in salt. Order the tanks into More4's offices and demand a list of every fucker that watched the show so that you can personally make sure they won't make that mistake again
Question 5:
You are at home relaxing when the doorbell rings. At your front door is a girl guide selling biscuits and a boy scout asking you if you want any jobs doing. You have only one five pound note on you and no change. Do you:
- A- Buy the biscuits for a fiver and offer them to the scout in exchange for washing your car.
- B- Invite a couple of friendly photographers round and send tell your secretary to raid petty cash
- C- Invite them in and let Brize Norton know you have another couple of Al Quayeda trainees ready for Guantanamo
Related:
|