Saviour of the world and living incarnation of Christ, Bill Gates, has hit out at Terry Leahie today, as Tesco announced its new range of software which will rival that of Windows.

In a packed press conference which was broadcast live from the mansion complex of Bob Geldof, Gates denounced Leahie as "A predatory monopolist who plans to take over the world by making money selling second rate software that is full of bugs, counter intuitive, sloppily coded, ridiculously overpriced, unnecessarily bloated, inadequately tested and badly designed."

Gates plans to take legal action against Tesco, claiming that he thought of those ideas first.

Leahie, however, was not taking the threats terribly seriously. "According to our research, our new Operating System, "TescOS", will replace Windows and Linux within about six weeks. We also offer a great range of choice, depending on the customer's budget. Our "Basics" range of software will come with just two on-screen colours (red and blue on a white page) Where as software from our "Finest" range will offer the very best, with luxurious touches such as italic fonts designed by Stella McCartney or Audio playback packages developed exclusively by Westlife.

Tesco's move from world domination of the food market into software comes in the same month that Microsoft's celebrity leader announced plans to move into both the Genetically Modified food and high-street retail market. This week, the very first "Provisio XP" shop opened up in London's prestigious Oxford Street, offering what  Gates believes is a "Perfectly Synergetic Retail Experience". When shoppers visit the store, trained assistants will appear, asking questions such as: "You appear to be shopping for vegetables. Would you like me to help with that?"

However, the shops have also been criticized for allowing questionable marketing techniques. When our reporter visited the store yesterday, he took a packet of breakfast cereal from the shelves only to find a spring-loaded copy of "Razzle" had been primed behind it to pop into his shopping basket. The store has since responded to these problems by providing filters which are essentially letter-box sized holes for the tops of shopping trolleys, slightly larger than the average tin of luncheon meat.

"We hope our newly designed Spam Filters will lead to a more pleasant shopping experience." Gates announced.

But one unhappy shopper left after several hours, having failed to complete a weekly shop. "Just before I got to the checkout,an announcement came over the PA: 'This store has encountered an unexpected error and will close. You will lose all of your shopping. We apologise for any inconvenience.' I tried asking the staff what I should do but they just stood there like they were frozen in time. It was very frustrating."

Related:

• BBC News - Tesco moves into software market