There was widespread panic and unrest today, as the nation's supply of hard drugs runs dry. Thousands of otherwise calm and stable drug addicts poured onto the streets of Manchester, Leeds and London to protest about the lack of availability of their favourite fixes.

In Leicester, a three thousand strong crack whore sit-in at the Town Hall brought business to a complete halt, Meanwhile in Redcar, racing had to be abandoned due to a turf invasion by junior doctors who were protesting against lack of stimulants.

The scarcity comes after the mafia and underworld drugs supply chain announced last month that it was going to suspend its narcotics activity in favour of more profitable ventures. Speaking for the criminal community, Mafia supremo Peter "Fingers" Mandelson said, "Having checked our figures and compared them with other ventures, we are convinced that there is more money to be made in other fields. It's simply not worth our while importing all that shit from Columbia any more. We have ships to maintain, ammunition to buy. It's just too much hassle when you can make six times as much selling novelty ring tones to the under twelves."

The mobile communications industry has a great success rate of selling to children, and now cell phones have become a compulsory accessory for children as young as one. Nokia's latest range of dummies and rattles all incorporate video messaging and built in MP4 players, with more new product ideas on the way, as Nokia CEO Jorma Ollila explained. "We hope to introduce foetal handsets within the next couple of years. That way mothers will be able to keep in touch with their unborn children and know that they are safe. Our market research confirms that nine out of ten people felt lonely and isolated whilst in the womb, and we believe we can offer parents a product of substantial value."

Ollila was keen to play down the negative aspects of his business. "People have suggested to us that we are in some way predatory. We have been accused of marketing our telecommunications equipment as fashion accessories and putting pressure on young children by constantly trickle-feeding new technologies into the market as must-have upgrades. This is horse shit. And anyone who thinks so is obviously so uncool. That sort of thinking... It's just so last year."

"At Nokia we strive to the betterment of society by creating serious communications tools for professional people. None of our equipment is intended for children to use. Naturally if you're an international stock trader, you're going to want to buy a tri-band multi global sat-link data processor with video conferencing, credit/visa interphase, built in GPS, fax, secure encryption wireless link to the internet and a direct port to all global stock markets. It's only logical that we should offer this product in baby pink and get The Power Puff Girls to advertise it for us."

However, our undercover reporter has discovered Nokia has other plans, as this stolen photograph shows:

Posing as a Mafia investor, our agent was able to extract a far more candid response from Ollila than before, as you can read in this transcript:

  "Look mate. It's all about image, innit? Take our latest ad campaign - "WITHOUT IT, YOU'RE NOBODY". Now that talks to kids. You know? That gives it to 'em straight. It's not enough that you tempt them with shiny new toys. You gotta put the fear of shite into them if you're gonna get any respect in this game."

"We got kids out there who should be enjoying themselves. And instead they got phone bills! they're working in bars, they're washing dishes, they're out there delivering papers. And for what? They're not buyin' new clothes. They're not savin' fer their holidays. They're buying calling credit! It's just beautiful. Without that brainwashing it would have been, what? another ten years before you'd have got them paying bills? And the beauty of it is - they actually want to do it. Now that's marketing for ya!"

"That's what the toaster's all about, yeah? We can sell 'em any shit we like now and they'll be terrified to turn up to school without it. We're just about to do a major - and I mean fucking major - deal with Enpower offering portable ovens, grills, split-level hobs. all that. Give it a couple of years and you'll have kids refusing to leave the house without refilling their gas bottles. You might think that sounds pretty crazy, but I tell you, man. twenty years ago if I'd told you kids would be taking their phones to school you'd have said I was nuts."