Today, Bill Gates announced that he would be putting his multi gazillion dollar fortune into "Feeding the hungry and saving the world". In a joint press conference with Bono and Bob Geldoff, who both rubbed his naked torso with baby oil and fanned him with peacock feathers throughout, Gates announced. "This is a great day for Africa. I've done something truly Saintly here today."

Bill Gates, who owns roughly six quarters of the planet revealed more of his plans to an audience of invited guests. "We will be investing heavily into Genetically Modified crops, because we believe this is the most efficient way to produce high yields which are capable of feeding so many people. Obviously since I'm a scientist it would only stand to reason that I would be more likely to invest in a scientific solution, and I believe that our proposed Corn XP™ and RiceExpress™ will provide a solution that will be the choice of millions."

Gates went on to explain how this plan would work. "The first part of the plan will involve a lot of hard work and dedication from our team. We would effectively have to remove the old crops from our customer base, as these crops would potentially corrupt and infect our new brand. Obviously we wouldn't want our customers suffering from crops which had bugs or viruses, and the best way to do that is to ensure a completely sterile terrain model prior to establishment. Naturally at this time our customer base would be unable to farm for itself, so we would work closely with our business partners to ensure that the indigenous people had access to stores and shops where they could order food supplies from our official outlets at relatively low interest rates."

"From then it would be a relatively simple matter of allowing the customer to buy our new seeds, which would guarantee a much better crop than his previous fare. The farmer would notice and appreciate such changes as reduced growing times, more seed capacity and a generally more pleasant product than the original. We would hope that this would make them all very happy and loyal customers."

"However, in the cutting edge of science, we always have to be prepared for change. This is why Corn XP and RiceExpress™ would be fully upgradable. By ensuring that the seeds are completely sterile, we can be sure that the farmer would not accidentally propagate a new batch of crops for next year. If he were to do this, he would be missing out on substantial support and upgrade possibilities. By committing to buy new batches of seeds every year, the farmer would be assured that the technology under his plough was at the absolute cutting edge, and he could work the fields knowing that no matter how many new viruses may be being produced out there, we will always be one giant step ahead of the competition."

Gates did, however, say the technology would come at a price. "WIth such a considerable amount of effort and time being put into the project, we are sure you would agree that it is only fair that these products should cost a little more than conventional seeds. However, please remember that we are not just selling the grain. We are also selling our support and commitment. Which is why we have taken very careful steps to ensure that seed piracy is kept to a minimum. At the moment there is no known way to illegally pirate these seeds. However, we will be sure to perform spot checks on all future plantations in and around our customer base with the express purpose of rooting out illegal propagation and ensuring the continual success of our brand."

"Remember - Illegal seed germination breaches international copyright law and jeopardizes future crop production. If you know of anyone who is using unlicensed grain or rice, you should report your suspicions to the nearest police agency."

Bill Gates reacted negatively to claims that the new crops would be more prone to bugs and viruses than those made by nature. "I doubt that very much." He said. "Nature's had three billion years to fine tune these crops and still hasn't come up with a logo that everyone recognises."