Crisis

The Darfur region of Somalia is set to become the scene of another act of genocide, as Arab troops order the UN out, leaving refugee camps unprotected.

The United Nations has warned that unless the members of the most powerful nations do something immediately, then there will be a massacre on a scale not witnessed in our lifetime. The insistence that the United Nations troops which were protecting the refugee camps withdraw is a clear signal that the destruction of ....

Bzzt!... (static)

BBC News interrupts this routine report with the horrific breaking news that there has been little change in the condition of Richard Hammond. The presenter of Top Gear, whose popularity was apparently only matched by that of Her Majesty the Queen Mother.

Accusations

The BBC itself has come under fire from other media organisations and pressure groups, who have accused the company of glorifying recklessness and creating ever more dangerous programmes in a bid to chase ratings. In a statement, the BBC controller, Peter Mandleson said: "It is unfortunate that many of the public believe our shows have become more overtly risky. In light of this criticism, we have decided to respond to requests and will now be shelving our plans for the knife-swallowing edition of "Ready Steady Cook". Likewise, our proposed series of "Ground Force in Afghanistan" will be dropped, as will the "Weakest Link Firing Squad Special". However, we are pleased to confirm that plans for our latest landmark presentation of "Graham Norton Without a Parachute" will continue due to the high level of public demand."

Doctors at Leeds Royal Infirmary were naturally cautions. "You haven't got a hidden camera, have you?" One asked. "Look - we cleaned the ward just last week. Don't worry about those bin bags, yeah? They're mine. I was just taking them out. It's only a few old papers. Really. We've not got no hygiene problem here."

Recovery

Although he is now expected to make a good recovery, there were originally strong fears that Richard's brain had been damaged beyond repair, and negotiations had begun with various other programme making agencies. "If the brain damage had been more profound we would have been forced to look at other options for him." One insider informed us. "For example, he might have been more suited to presenting the National Lottery Draw if the damage was severe, or perhaps if the loss of ability had been more profound, he might have felt more at home hosting Deal or No Deal."

Safety

The Conservative Party has yet again been keen to demonstrate that it is the Party of The People, and in light of recent events, David Cameron made a bold statement whilst visiting the National Retirement Home for Aggressive Dinner Ladies. "I have heard that a hamster has been injured in a horrific crash, and that many of you are outraged by this. Rest assured, under the Conservatives, all hamster balls would be fitted with soft wadding to protect them in the event of a collision with skirting boards or chair legs. In addition, I am informed that we would use a considerable part of our NHS efficiency savings to fund a Hammond Organ Donor Card, so that this need never happen again."

Great Loss

But what now for the BBC's most successful consumerism showcase? Although it is likely that Richard Hammond will be rejoining the show at some point, there will be a considerable drop in audience figures unless a suitable stand -n can be found. Apart from the fact that he's had a big crash, Richard's popularity was due to the cheeky charm and boyish good looks with which he had been so blessed. To many middle-aged women, he was just like the cute member of Take That but with the fortunate distinction of being old enough not to be their grand son. His winning combination of laminated smile, big eyes and non threatening stature made him a guaranteed magnet for post-maternal women the world over, especially when the other team members picked on him and made him look even smaller and more vulnerable.

Separated at Manufacture 

So who now could take that place? Well, it's rumoured that Keith Harris' long term sidekick Orville is interested in the potential of a solo career, but if our sources prove accurate, it may be that the show has another candidate in the wings. A man for whom boyish enthusiasm, thoughtless bravado and a natural ability to accept the role of the underdog has become second nature...

Ready to Roll