The Arktopus

George W Bush has announced today that the USA will be expanding its borders to include deep space.  Under the new policy shift, the whole of the solar system will now be reclassified as American Soil, and any issues which take place on Planet Earth will now be dealt with by the Ministry of Interior.

Angelina Jolie has condemned Madonna and Guy Richie's adoption of One-year-old David Banda from Malawi as an act of "Sociological Plagiarism".

At a press conference today, Jolie and her husband Bradd Pitt the Younger, announced that they would be seeking redress for copyright infringement through the courts. "That was our fucking publicity stunt." She insisted. "I mean, what do we have to do to get a little limelight for ourselves these days?"

The Pope is about to demolish Limbo, (a sort of eternal sheltered housing but without the shelter and, come to think of it the housing)

Saviour of the world and living incarnation of Christ, Bill Gates, has hit out at Terry Leahie today, as Tesco announced its new range of software which will rival that of Windows.

There was widespread panic and unrest today, as the nation's supply of hard drugs runs dry. Thousands of otherwise calm and stable drug addicts poured onto the streets of Manchester, Leeds and London to protest about the lack of availability of their favourite fixes.

In Leicester, a three thousand strong crack whore sit-in at the Town Hall brought business to a complete halt, Meanwhile in Redcar, racing had to be abandoned due to a turf invasion by junior doctors who were protesting against lack of stimulants.

Today, Bill Gates announced that he would be putting his multi gazillion dollar fortune into "Feeding the hungry and saving the world". In a joint press conference with Bono and Bob Geldoff, who both rubbed his naked torso with baby oil and fanned him with peacock feathers throughout, Gates announced. "This is a great day for Africa. I've done something truly Saintly here today."

Crisis

The Darfur region of Somalia is set to become the scene of another act of genocide, as Arab troops order the UN out, leaving refugee camps unprotected.

George W Bush has announced plans to send troops to the Far East to protect our supply of mens'wear.

Holy "Daddy" Benedictine, big boss of the most profitable and successful world religion insisted he wasn't evil in the wake of his controversial derogatory comments about the prophet of another popular world religion [which cannot be named for legal reasons]...

David Steele was accused of being a fascist black-leg today, after refusing to uphold ArkSanctum.org's boycott against new original content.

Tesco boss Terry Leahie has announced that the multigazillion dollar company will be going into Nuclear Energy within the next half hour.

A conversation between Cameron, Blair, Brown and Bush. With apologies to Mack and Jack. But not very sincere ones.

David Cameron has hit out against the Government today, after a full day in Iraq and Afghanistan without a fatal attack on a member of the Armed Forces

We can now reveal the lyrics to Elton John's latest Blockbuster. Enjoy!

In the biggest outpouring of grief since the untimely death of Diana Queen of Hearts, the small Yorkshire town of Skipton has declared a day of official mourning for the death of Australia's Bill Oddy.