The Arktopus

There have been dramatic scenes at the World Food Programme's head office in Rome today, as celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey added his weight to the objections laid out by the Burmese Junta.

As planes finally began to unload their cargo at Myanmar Airport, Ramsey was seen wielding a baseball bat and demanding that the food be sent back to its country of origin...

After losing the identities of millions of Child Benefit recipients, details of the sexual preferences of trainee doctors, and the banking details of just about every learner driver in the country, the government is facing its most embarrassing episode yet, after it became clear that the Official Olympic Torch has been misplaced.

Speaking on behalf of the British Population, Gordon Brown said “I'm really, really sorry. We think it's still in Terminal Five at Heathrow, so maybe it will turn up in a few weeks.”

Parents of missing teenager Kylie Biscuit have been informed by South Yorkshire Police that her daughter is not photogenic enough to make the Six O’Clock News.

“While we have the deepest sympathy for Mister Barrel and Miss Biscuit, we have advised them that they are just too working class to be of sufficient interest to the national channels. The best they can hope for at this time is a slot on the local news round up.”

Brackston Hicks, the Conservative MP for Greater Dogging and Gauping West, has issued a passionate attack on what he calls “The Nanny State gone mad”, after the local school cancelled its annual field trip to Afghanistan.

Outraged Star Trek fans from all across the world have converged on the Dorset village of Little Fraction to condemn what they regard as an insult to everything which is decent. The controversy centres on a play by Armando Hammer, a writer who says that his intention was not to shock.

“I feel it’s important to explore the different aspects of James T Kirk’s personality and accept that he may well have had these feelings for members of his crew. They were in space for five years, and we only saw about sixty hours worth of episodes. By my calculations that leaves almost forty four thousand hours unaccounted for. Who knows what might have gone on while the cameras were off?”

Hysterical locals in a small village near the famous mist-shrouded Pendle Hill in Lancashire, England took drastic steps yesterday evening to right what they regarded to be an intolerable wrong.

Seventy six year old Edith Clampton (Mrs) was cruelly, viciously and uncompromisingly murdered on an otherwise picturesque rural village green in an utterly horrifying and bizarre medieval-style ritual execution at the hands of an angry mob...

In a shocking exclusive, the Arktopus can reveal that the nation’s top secret nuclear missile launch codes have been lost.

"They were here a moment ago." Gordon Brown told Defence Chiefs...

"Erm... Will the person who stole a bit of our poster please bring it back?"

An elite medical research team has announced today that being pregnant increases your chances of giving birth by as much as seventy percent.

Arktopus journalists were invited to the inaugural flight of Satanic Airways' first passenger jet.

"It’s a triumph for Satanists the world over." The airline’s official spokesperson, Flayd Gluts told us as the Boeing 666 was officially deflowered. "And now that even the Vatican has launched its own service we feel it’s necessary to also give truly evil passengers the chance to exercise their right to pollute as well."

"Hi, guys. I'm so pleased to be here in Manchester, England, Europe. I just love your Soccer team, you know? I think Arsenal are the finest team in the world, or even in the whole country"...

"Sunny Afternoon" re-written for our friend Tony Blair...

Trillionaire owner of the ultra-cool online bookshop dwindlingrainforest.com has fitted his new penis extension.

The humongous cone-shaped Godishard2000+ features bleeding edge space-age technology enabling Mr Bozo's reproductive member to reach into outer space, he can even use it to fly around in the air above his 8,000 square mile distribution warehouse and an additional feature allows him to shoot deadly energy beams at people he doesn't like.

After an A-List cocktail party to celebrate the launch of Godishard2000+ Mr Bozo spoke briefly to reporters outside; "This is just the start, it's obvious that The Earth's marketplace is ultimately limited and most of us now realise this planet is fucked, so it’s high time philanthropists like me stepped in and started solving the really important problem of expanding our operations into outer space!"

Related:

• BBC News: Amazon boss shows off spacecraft

Lawyers for Brian "Fingers" McGarry filed for damages today, after a bank robber with more than twenty five years of experience was told that his stocking mask was "Offensive and too threatening".

In a scoop of Titanic proportions, The Arktopus is proud to present exclusive extracts from David Blunkett's new book "Zen and the Art of Being a Twat".