Autumn always focuses my mind on the passing of time. I really enjoy reading poetic and lyrical words about the ephemeral wonders of the season, and observing the changes in the hedgerows and woods. How easy it is at this time of year to watch each moment passing with each leaf that falls. It can all be very Zen.

Angelina Jolie has condemned Madonna and Guy Richie's adoption of One-year-old David Banda from Malawi as an act of "Sociological Plagiarism".

At a press conference today, Jolie and her husband Bradd Pitt the Younger, announced that they would be seeking redress for copyright infringement through the courts. "That was our fucking publicity stunt." She insisted. "I mean, what do we have to do to get a little limelight for ourselves these days?"

The Pope is about to demolish Limbo, (a sort of eternal sheltered housing but without the shelter and, come to think of it the housing)

Saviour of the world and living incarnation of Christ, Bill Gates, has hit out at Terry Leahie today, as Tesco announced its new range of software which will rival that of Windows.

A very tired arm

There was widespread panic and unrest today, as the nation's supply of hard drugs runs dry. Thousands of otherwise calm and stable drug addicts poured onto the streets of Manchester, Leeds and London to protest about the lack of availability of their favourite fixes.

In Leicester, a three thousand strong crack whore sit-in at the Town Hall brought business to a complete halt, Meanwhile in Redcar, racing had to be abandoned due to a turf invasion by junior doctors who were protesting against lack of stimulants.

"Drink your cloud" is the instruction given by Thich Nhat Hanh (image courtesy of Plum Village Practice Centre, France)

Drinking a cup of tea can not only be refreshing but potentially enlightening. Forget the complicated and structured Japanese Way of Tea or cha no yu, this is just your every day cuppa.

Today, Bill Gates announced that he would be putting his multi gazillion dollar fortune into "Feeding the hungry and saving the world". In a joint press conference with Bono and Bob Geldoff, who both rubbed his naked torso with baby oil and fanned him with peacock feathers throughout, Gates announced. "This is a great day for Africa. I've done something truly Saintly here today."

Crisis

The Darfur region of Somalia is set to become the scene of another act of genocide, as Arab troops order the UN out, leaving refugee camps unprotected.

Did you know that during an equinox you can balance an egg on its end? Try it now or you will lose the moment for another six months!

Top tip #1:  When you go to a gig on your own you have to be prepared for a bit of difficulty.

You see, it's all very easy when there are two of you. You can sing along with the best bits, and you can nod at each other when you get to a good bit you both like.  When you get out you can talk about how good or bad it was. If you're so inclined you can even have a bit of a cuddle while you're waiting for the support act to get lost. But the single most important reason to take a friend or lover to a gig with you is to save your spot while you go for beers.

Top gear star Richard Hammond critically injured driving a jet powered car!