Inspired by the Rush 30th anniversary tour

A poem about lapwings

A group of people called the Kalamas lived in a town called Kesaputta in ancient India. They were fed up with wandering teachers continually coming into their town, and "expounding their own doctrines, and the doctrines of others they despise, revile and pull to pieces."

They asked the Buddha who was also visiting, how they could tell who was telling the truth.

Lawyers for Brian "Fingers" McGarry filed for damages today, after a bank robber with more than twenty five years of experience was told that his stocking mask was "Offensive and too threatening".

In a scoop of Titanic proportions, The Arktopus is proud to present exclusive extracts from David Blunkett's new book "Zen and the Art of Being a Twat".