A study of a weathered wall in Apperknowle.

Watch out for the Virgin Mary...

Love it, hate it, you'll be hard pushed to avoid it. Personally I've found the Harry Potter books to be amongst the most entertaining stories I've ever read. I picked up the first book to see what all the fuss was about and I found it, to use the publisher's waffle, “unputdonwable”.

On Friday night, the wait (for very fast readers) will be over. The last book will be out. I thought it was about time I nailed my colours to the mast to say I think I've worked it all out. If I had a spare few quid, I reckon my theory is so tight that it would be worth a fiver at the betting shop. Not that they'd take me on, of course. Word will have got around Bradford by now that they have a genius in their midst.

"Hi, guys. I'm so pleased to be here in Manchester, England, Europe. I just love your Soccer team, you know? I think Arsenal are the finest team in the world, or even in the whole country"...

An interesting news item caught my eye this week; a group of Church of England bishops are of the opinion that the latest foul weather is a direct result of our depravity! The bishops said the recent floods which claimed seven lives and deluged thousands of homes were the result of "moral degradation". While stressing that those affected were innocent victims, they claimed the devastation was the consequence of the West's decision to ignore Biblical teaching, with an "arrogant" world "reaping what we have sown"...

Are you an android? Feed the ducks and find out.

Not the brightest creatures, ducks.

Maybe that’s a bit unfair. It could be that ducks are pretty smart, and that the only reason I’m so duckist is that I haven’t taken the time to get to know them. Fine. Then it’s my loss and I’ll learn to live with it. In the meantime I’m happy with my prejudiced opinion that ducks aint exactly what you’d call intellectually stimulating...

One of the best things about my job is that I get to do my own thing for much of the time. As long as I'm busy, I'm pretty much left to get on with things. So, if I think it's a good idea to hold a public meeting and let people pass all their complaints to me, it's up to me to arrange it and deal with the problems as they arise. Similarly, if I decide it's time to visit a Primary School and play Johnny Ball for the day, well, that's pretty much okay too. I just have to make sure everyone knows where I am and as long as I come back with the right sort of photos everybody's happy...

A poem about David Steele's poems...

While admiring ArkSanctum.Org's new design template, creative genius Dave Steele inadvertently placed his pot of tea right on Dave Barltrop's artwork, leaving an indelible stain.

The site's designer Dave Barltrop had been up until the early hours this morning working on the new cleaner-look. "I couldn't believe it! I sat down after breakfast to carry on working and that flipping dope had left his cuppa right on the page", tears ran down Mr Barltrop's cheeks as he explained the situation.

Onlookers have suggested Stain Devils product line as a potential solution, but many feel it's beyond repair.

Mr Barltrop sobbed, "I'll probably have to start the whole thing again from scratch. I mean, it's not as if it was a decent brand of tea or anything, it was bloody Tescos Value teabags, for crying out loud!"

If any visitors to this site have a good household remedy for tea stains please do leave a comment.

A poem about waiting...